*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Seas the day!!!!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
? 💀
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.