Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?