me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*