This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy