Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
how much does a mortician urn in a year
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.