This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number