My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My flabber has been gasted.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
who named him groot and not spruce lee
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together