People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
happy mother’s day❤️
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?