I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.