The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
TRAIN’S HERE
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
thanks auntie mary
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.