There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
You Might Also Like
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Best seat on the street 😍
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.