“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.