I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me checking my bank balance online.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
How did we not see this back then?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”