I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
smartest karate player in the world
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics