Mornin
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway