I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now