I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My current situation
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.