“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.