Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’m being attacked 😭
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
🐕🍷
I think I’ll stand
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies