When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.