How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.