The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
new shirt idea
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
A ghost story
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil