Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
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Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
these two trucks have the same bed length
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.