Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Before & after 😅
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.