you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My daily affirmation
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.