In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart