My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You Might Also Like
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
what could possibly go wrong?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go