doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
*ernest hemingway voice*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers