Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
You Might Also Like
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same