A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
(2022)
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?