A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.