Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur