Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
What a website
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.