My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.