Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Attacked by a mop.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.