I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….