[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
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Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Banana is the quietest snack
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head