What the dentist sees
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.