If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.