Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
<—- homeless romantic
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭