Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
me 2 months after i graduated
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’