*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Baller is short for ballerina
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.