So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane