Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
You Might Also Like
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Room with a view.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Damn he played himself
No, he would not have.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My typo game is string.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby