The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The best plant holders?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.