handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]