WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.