The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?