Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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He wanted to make sure😂
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Just got to our Airbnb!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity