STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
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This classic never gets old . . .
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Natty or not?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.